Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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