Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
