why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
