No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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