I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
