How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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