I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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