Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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