we have pet lesbian snakes
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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