How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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