puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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