the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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