also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
