i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
