your parents love me but you hate me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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