There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
