Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize