You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
