I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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