my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
