I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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