The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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