i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
