how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
