Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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