Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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