I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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