Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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