There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
