The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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