i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
