If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
