She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Text me some of your sweat
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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