when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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