Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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