Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
