3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
