apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
