he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you