Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
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LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?