My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories