Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.