piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
