its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
