The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
