There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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