god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
