My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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