I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
