So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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