i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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