Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
