Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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