She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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