I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
