I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
