Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
