oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
