Im at strip club and am horny
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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