HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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