Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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