yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
